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In This Grief



Hey hey lovelies.

Weekends always go to soon. Too too soon. And this one was another one of those fill your tank weekends. And for no big reason. Just one of those weekends when relaxing, playing, preparation and work were all balanced. I mean there could have been a little more sleep but the truth is that I have accepted the whole nomination to the no sleep club.

I have been writing and rewriting this post for a couple weeks now. I wanted to talk to you about grief. Two years ago this past Saturday my good friend, mentor and sister from another mister passed away in a fire in her home. I was supposed to speak to her the following day but instead I was a part of an email sent to her friends telling us about her death. My heart shattered. Broke into one million pieces. And forever changed me. Those first few months were some of the hardest I had ever experienced since my father's death. Anxiety scratching away at me in a very different overwhelming way that I hadn't felt before.

I was not ok. I felt like grieving with a toddler was suffocating. I held it all in because it was better for her not to see me sad. Or so everyone said. She felt my anxiety, she felt my mood change, she knew I was sad even if I was smiling. I know that they sense it all, but instead of telling her mama is just sad, I sucked it up and held it in.

It wasn't until I let myself grieve instead of trying to "be ok" that I climbed out.

First thing I did was I found a common friend that I could talk about my pain too. Talk about HER with. Cry with. Laugh with. And then cry all over again. We checked on each other. And we also reminded ourselves to think about WWRD (What Would Rosanna Do!). Because she was that person, that person that inspired you to prove everyone wrong, to do things no one expected and to be a rockstar at it.

The second thing was to allow myself to miss her. I still have her last voicemail to me. Her Facebook messages are full of photos of her Vizla fur babies and pics of Zoe from me. She never met Ami but I know a part of Ami being born almost exactly a year after she passed away has a lot to do with her. Sending me some light. My little rainbow angel baby. I allowed myself to think about her, to go through our messages, to scroll through her Facebook and allow me to think back. I talked and wrote to her. Allowing myself to miss her has also allowed me to remember all the things she inspired me to do and often think about what she would do. She pushed me so hard to find myself, to put more energy into my blog and to start my own business. I'm working on it all GF.

Third thing was to use all that anger and sadness into changing things. Changing the things I don't like about myself, or don't like in my life. Pushing out the negative and just making things happen for myself, instead of waiting them to happen. She was this light that said what she meant and worked at what she wanted. She was a fireball. And goodness I want 2018 to be more of that.

So I guess what I am here to say is being in grief isn't constant. It comes in waves. It can bring you to your knees. It can slowly eat away at you. But if you allow yourself to be in it. To feel it. And to do something with it, it can be pretty inspiring. Sharing this in hopes to help even just one person that felt as lost as I did two years ago in this grief.

xoxox

Natalie


I miss you u Rosie, you crazy f'ing Dominican and I promise to make you proud. To keep telling my girls all about you and how you are watching over us. I poured a glass of red for you. Rest easy. xoxoxo

#grief #mamadiaries

© 2014 by Chic Boston Mama.